Thursday, July 8, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: My Fear......

I just came across a post from Just Another Mom of 2. Ashley participates in Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say and she did a post of The Fear of Playgroups. I was inspired by her post and decided to also write one as well.

~First, as Shell says: Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments.~

My Fear: What do you call a fear? A fear for water, heights, airplanes, spiders(this is also one of mine), or dogs? I don't have many fears, but when it come to trusting........walls spring up everywhere....The only person I can really count on and trust is myself and my husband(he has never let me down).

My fear goes back I guess to my birth, yet not knowing then as a baby you would call it a fear. I was adopted when I was just a few weeks old by my very loving parents who were unable to have children. I was the center of their world and love them with all my heart. From the start my parents were always open with me about being adopted, but deep down I always felt that I was somewhat unwanted, an outcast, different...... Don't get me wrong I did not feel this way towards my parents it was just something that was inside of me.

As the years went on I began to question who I was as a person and where I came from. When I was 13 *a rebellious teenager* my mom told me that my real mother was only 16 or so when she had me and what her name was. I was somewhat satisfied with that, but there was that emptiness that still resided hidden.

At 16 I was walking around our local mall before I went to work and this woman comes up to me, I have never seen her before and I am somewhat unsure of her. She proceeds to ask me "Were you adopted?" My mouth dropped to my toes, how does this woman know that I was adopted, I don't know her. I manage to push out a "yeah". The woman proceeds to tell me "I was married to your father and you have an older sister." I am totally dumb founded, head circling, in shock. No words come to me, but the woman goes on...She tells me her name and that I have an older sister that looks almost identical to me, that we could pass as twins! She goes on that I look like my father and that I have a younger half brother and sister from my mom. I am just so dumb founded that this woman would tell me all of this. In the matter of 5 minutes I got more information about who and where I came from than I had my entire life. At this point I think the woman realized that I was just in utter shock that she asked for my phone number to talk with my parents.

I proceed to work in total shock and astonishment. The woman calls and talks with my mom and they decide to set up a meeting with my sister. We all( me, my mom, the woman, and my Sister) meet at a local restaurant. The moment I see my sister tears fill my eyes and yes we could pass as twins, all the while we were both going to the same school and lived in the same town. I found out that "our" mother had kept my sister and gave me up....Some how I felt like I was so unwanted in many ways, the one thing I wanted to know was WHY! Being young and not realizing the entire situation, I didn't ask. Although, they would not have know why either...only "our" mother could give me the real answer to why.....

So, now some 10 years later I have yet to ask why....I almost could easily find her, but something inside of me just keeps holding me back...Is it fear of finding the real truth? Is it fear of rejection? My heart has always had this void from not knowing who I am, and yet I am scared to the core to truly know.......


Shell said...

Wow, that would be so hard, to find out all of that about your family.

I would probably track her down and ask her my questions- because things nag at me and I can't let them go. But, then again, I'd probably be sick about confronting her.

Thanks for linking up!

fojoy said...

My Mom gave her first son up for adoption, then had my brother and sister the next year (I came along much later). It was simply situational that she gave up the first and kept the next - pressure from her parents and knowing that she couldn't give him what he needed were the biggest factors.
I can tell you that it ate her alive for over 40 years until he found her, and she said that a day didn't go by that she didn't think of him.
Even though the confrontation would be more difficult than I could imagine, I can only think that not knowing would be worse.

Good luck!